A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
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I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
shit, they caught us—run!!!
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.