The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
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[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways