The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
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ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.