Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
You Might Also Like
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.