We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
You Might Also Like
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer