Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
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Bringing home a sharpie
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?