When a shoelace touches your ankle
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Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.