I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
You Might Also Like
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Seems kinda suspicious
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.