German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
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Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*