Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
You Might Also Like
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE