*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
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It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
This probably isn’t good
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
what