That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
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last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?