what are they serving at kfc then???
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People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”