Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
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My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
This week’s mood.