Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
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waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling