My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
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[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
*gets down on one knee*
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
podcasts
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
✌🏽
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
🌱🌱🌱
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee