Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
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It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record