If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
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Happy Thanksgiving
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.