A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
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Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food