Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
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Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.