Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
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I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Can. I. Help. You.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
*Seductively hides in the woods