It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
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Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed