Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
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hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.