professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
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This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic