Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
You Might Also Like
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Still a very good boi….
wtf is a larm clock?
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW