Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
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Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Nomnomnomnom