Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
You Might Also Like
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!