To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
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Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.