How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
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Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
buys donuts instead
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
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OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.