My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
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3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
cat vs inanimate object
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.