People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
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Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
The USS B port
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
S O O N
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.