Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
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Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
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what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*