when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
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[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them