Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
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Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.