[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
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there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.