[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
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I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Liquor Store Parking
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.