My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
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[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
In case you needed to hear it:
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
The Punning Dead.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden