It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
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You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
LOL
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.