Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
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My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.