Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
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Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Why font matters.