Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
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saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do