Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
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marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people