I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
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[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
A family that plays together cheats.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
broke down and did it
Still laughing at this stupid meme
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.