*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
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that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline