The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
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This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
handsome & gretel
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.