What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
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I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
fixed it
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl