When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
You Might Also Like
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here