Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
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May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.