In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
oh u like geography? name every lake
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.