If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
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I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I mean…but I did
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch